This may be a few days late, but I wanted to write a letter to my husband on Father's Day. I know I posted here on Mother's Day about how difficult it was for me, and I think sometimes I forget that all of this is really difficult for him too. He tries really hard to be strong for me, and to not really show his dissappointment, and I love him for that.
Mr D,
I know today is hard for you. It is difficult to see the people around you being able to have something that we can't, and I know that feeling. You are the man of the house, the provider and the protector, and I know that you would do anything to be able to give me this gift that we both want so badly. I want you to know that I know you are going to be an amazing father some day. You are so loving and kind and patient, I can't wait to see you with our children. You are playful and fun and silly and I can't wait to see the relationship you will have with them someday. I dream about the day that I get to tell you that you're going to be a father, I think about your reaction and how excited you will be, excited for us. I see couples shopping for baby things and I know you will be so involved and interested. Please know that you don't always have to be strong, you can be sad with me sometimes too. Some day we will be able to start our family together, it's been a long road so far, and the end is not yet in sight, but I am so glad to be traveling it with you. Thank you for being my rock, my comfort and my light at the end of the tunnel. You're right when you say that no matter what, we are SO lucky, because we have each other.
Love always,
Mrs D.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Conception
Mr. D. went to the new fertility Dr. yesterday, we will call them Dr. M (reproductive endocrinologist) and Dr. C (embyrologist and lab director). Dr. C. is the same one who did Mr. D's semen analysis in February, the one that came back "Subnormal". The reason he went in yesterday was because is urologist at group health said that we should do a third analysis in order to find out whether the results were more similar to the first one last June (that came back normal) or the one in February that was subnormal.
When Mr. D got there, Dr. C told him that he didn't think another analysis was necessary since he had one recently and hasn't been through any treatment since then. He doesn't want us to waste our money (it's $150.00) for something that isn't completely necessary. He told Mr. D that they would just put me on some medicine and then do IUI, and with Matt's numbers it should work just fine.
Just like that, plain as day. Fertility drugs, wash the sperm, IUI, bang... Pregnant. Mr. D said he made it seem like a no brainer, no big deal.
The thing is, up until yesterday, even through all of this crazy fertility business, it never really sunk in that I wouldn't be getting pregnant the "old fashioned way". No happy story about conceiving on vacation, or your wedding night, or after a night with a few too many cocktails. I will be conceiving with my feet in stirrups in a doctor's office. I don't know why this seems like such a big deal to me, and it's not that I'm upset, it's just a place I never imagined myself being.
In other news, I got blood drawn yesterday and didn't pass out or puke or even really get nervous at all! They tested my LH, FSH, TSH and checked me for diabetes. All tests came back normal!
Next stop... Dr. M on July 12th!
When Mr. D got there, Dr. C told him that he didn't think another analysis was necessary since he had one recently and hasn't been through any treatment since then. He doesn't want us to waste our money (it's $150.00) for something that isn't completely necessary. He told Mr. D that they would just put me on some medicine and then do IUI, and with Matt's numbers it should work just fine.
Just like that, plain as day. Fertility drugs, wash the sperm, IUI, bang... Pregnant. Mr. D said he made it seem like a no brainer, no big deal.
The thing is, up until yesterday, even through all of this crazy fertility business, it never really sunk in that I wouldn't be getting pregnant the "old fashioned way". No happy story about conceiving on vacation, or your wedding night, or after a night with a few too many cocktails. I will be conceiving with my feet in stirrups in a doctor's office. I don't know why this seems like such a big deal to me, and it's not that I'm upset, it's just a place I never imagined myself being.
In other news, I got blood drawn yesterday and didn't pass out or puke or even really get nervous at all! They tested my LH, FSH, TSH and checked me for diabetes. All tests came back normal!
Next stop... Dr. M on July 12th!
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Baby Steps
We made our first appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist today! Mr. D. goes for his third semen analysis tomorrow, and I'm going to have my FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) levels checked tomorrow. Those results, along with the information from my surgery and all of my doctors appointments and ultrasounds will come with us to the new doctor!
Mr. D. and I were talking about the upcoming appointment, and we both seem to have the same feelings about it. In a way we're nervous to finally have someone look at the total package and tell us what they think might be wrong. At the same time it's really encouraging to finally feel like we're moving towards having more of a plan. I really want someone to be able to analyze everything going on with each of us and have an opinion and be able to make us a road map. I am tired of trying on our own. It's been 2 1/2 years and even after the surgery, it's not happening without help.
Here's to a new step on our journey!
Mr. D. and I were talking about the upcoming appointment, and we both seem to have the same feelings about it. In a way we're nervous to finally have someone look at the total package and tell us what they think might be wrong. At the same time it's really encouraging to finally feel like we're moving towards having more of a plan. I really want someone to be able to analyze everything going on with each of us and have an opinion and be able to make us a road map. I am tired of trying on our own. It's been 2 1/2 years and even after the surgery, it's not happening without help.
Here's to a new step on our journey!
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
A Break from Sad
We had a really fabulous weekend! This blog is usually full of my tough times going through infertility, but in the midst of it all, we are sometimes able to escape the sadness for a few days. This past weekend was the first time in awhile that we really got away from it and just enjoyed each other.
We went to a Tacoma Rainier's game on Sunday! I had surprised Mr. D. with a package that included AWESOME seats, free food and drinks, and an opportunity to take BP on the field after the game! Mr. D. is a HUGE baseball fan, so it was a dream come true for him!
And we got a new car! It's really pretty and super fast and makes Mr. D. very happy! We have had a tough few years with lots of heartbreak, and although things on the baby front aren't looking great, we have been working hard and things are finally starting to look up! Mr. D. got a promotion in October, and I just got one too. This was our reward!
We went to a Tacoma Rainier's game on Sunday! I had surprised Mr. D. with a package that included AWESOME seats, free food and drinks, and an opportunity to take BP on the field after the game! Mr. D. is a HUGE baseball fan, so it was a dream come true for him!
My handsome hubby getting ready to hit
Me on the field after the game
What a great day for a baseball game!
And we got a new car! It's really pretty and super fast and makes Mr. D. very happy! We have had a tough few years with lots of heartbreak, and although things on the baby front aren't looking great, we have been working hard and things are finally starting to look up! Mr. D. got a promotion in October, and I just got one too. This was our reward!
It's hard dealing with infertility, so it's nice to get a break from the stress every once in awhile. We definitely needed it!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Insecurities
I have never been the most self confident person. I have never really felt fabulous about myself. This infertility business is sure making it worse though. I should start by saying that Mr. D. is fabulous about making me feel good about myself. He tells me how beautiful I am and compliments me and is always reminding me how great I am and telling me he is proud of me. But being infertile is rough!
I feel like the female body, when you really get down to evolution (which I believe in) and biology, is made for one thing... to produce and nurture offspring. When you can't do that, you feel broken. I know nothing about breast cancer, or what it's like to experience a mastectomy, but I have heard women say that losing your breasts is like losing what makes you a woman, and I wonder if not being able to get pregnant might be similar. I feel like the basic purpose that my body was made for isn't working, and if we were in the wild talking about natural selection and genes being carried forward, I would be toast!
The other insecurity comes from being afraid that my husband will realize that he could have a baby with someone else. It's the biggest thing that i cannot, at this point, provide for him. It's important for you to know that my husband reminds me CONSTANTLY that he would never leave me for someone who has no fertility issues, that he loves me unconditionally, and that everything will be okay because no matter what, we have each other, but it doesn't always stop me from fearing that I am just damaged goods.
I asked Mr. D. on a particularly "bad" day if he had kept his receipt because I was broken and he should probably return me to the store for a new model. He kindly said "I threw my receipt away because I knew I would never need it."
I love this man.
I feel like the female body, when you really get down to evolution (which I believe in) and biology, is made for one thing... to produce and nurture offspring. When you can't do that, you feel broken. I know nothing about breast cancer, or what it's like to experience a mastectomy, but I have heard women say that losing your breasts is like losing what makes you a woman, and I wonder if not being able to get pregnant might be similar. I feel like the basic purpose that my body was made for isn't working, and if we were in the wild talking about natural selection and genes being carried forward, I would be toast!
The other insecurity comes from being afraid that my husband will realize that he could have a baby with someone else. It's the biggest thing that i cannot, at this point, provide for him. It's important for you to know that my husband reminds me CONSTANTLY that he would never leave me for someone who has no fertility issues, that he loves me unconditionally, and that everything will be okay because no matter what, we have each other, but it doesn't always stop me from fearing that I am just damaged goods.
I asked Mr. D. on a particularly "bad" day if he had kept his receipt because I was broken and he should probably return me to the store for a new model. He kindly said "I threw my receipt away because I knew I would never need it."
I love this man.
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