Anyone who knows me, knows that I have a serious needle phobia. Crying and getting dizzy when we even talk about a needle touching me kind of phobia. So when Dr. M told us back in June that the IUI would be partnered with injections, I was not thrilled. I did my research though and had a few months to accept the subcutaneous stomach injections that would be coming along. Until Saturday this is...
We were in the exam room having just completed the terrible uterine sounding, when the medical assistant told me that she might as well teach Mr D. how to do my Menopur injections while my pants were done... excuse me? She tells me to roll over onto my tummy.
Butt injections. Intramuscular. 1 1/2" needle. NO THANK YOU! She had Mr D. practice with a saline injection, he did a fabulous job. It hurt like hell. After a blood draw and a meeting in Dr. M's office, we were on our way home, armed with a prescription for a whole lot of needles and even more anxiety.
Sunday morning I cried through the whole process. My poor sweet hubby had to jab a giant needle in my butt while I cried uncontrollably. He is such an amazing man. He comforted me and rubbed my bum until I stopped crying. He told me how brave I was and how much he loved me. And just like that, I became a human pincushion.
We continued with 150 unites of Menopur in the AM and 75 units in the PM along with Lupron injections. The Lupron is a small diabetic needle in my stomach. The needle is tiny and doesn't hurt a bit. I take .20 in the AM and .20 again in the PM.
It's been over a week now. The Menopur injections still hurt a little, but not nearly as much as those darn Lupron injections! We are trying to get creative with where to inject them in my abdominal area, because the space around my belly button hurts SO badly at this point.
Friday evening I had an ultrasound and blood work done (did I forget to mention the blood work Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday?) They are monitoring my estradiol levels closely because they help indicate the number and maturity of the follicles. The ultrasound shows lots of follicles that are somewhat large but we are hoping they will get larger. In order to push along the follicles, we started injecting Gonal-F.
Gonal-F comes in a pen pre-loaded with the medication. You set the dial on the pen, confirm the dose and inject it in the tummy. These ones are my favorite so far. They don't hurt a bit, the needle is so tiny that I literally can't feel it go in. Can't they all be this easy?
Yesterday's blood work came back good, so we are off the see Dr. M again today for ultrasound and blood work again. Think big, healthy follicles! Only 3 more injection days before egg retrieval!!!
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
A Change of Plans and Ouchie!
I got my period last week and had to spend Friday at home with a heating pad, thanks endometriosis. I promptly called Dr. M and made my appointment to learn how to do my shots and talk about how the IUI process would work. My appointment was scheduled for Saturday morning.
I had Matt come with me because he would be the one giving me the injections in my stomach. We showed up and I went back so that I could change for the ultrasound. Dr. M came in a little (okay a lot) late and asked me if I had ever had an internal ultrasound before. I told him I was used to them because of my cysts, so we got started. The good news was that the left ovary that had been so beat up in surgery earlier this year was looking good and healthy. The bad news was the the right ovary is now covered in cysts.
Dr. M decided that we needed to do whats called a uterine sounding in order to measure the depth and angle of my uterus to prepare for IVF, yeah, that's right... IVF!
Little did I know that this uterine sounding business was not going to be a walk in the park. He inserted a speculum and then the medical assistant told Matt that he would probably want to hold my hand. They cleaned my cervix with iodine and then clamped my cervix in order to insert the measuring tool. That part hurt, bad. The medical assistant told me that this pain would help prepare me for labor! OUCH! The pain didn't last too long and the cramping went away about 10 minutes after the procedure was done.
They taught Matt how to give me the Menopur injections, which are actually intramuscular and in my butt. I'm not going to lie, the needle is REALLY big and does not feel good. We went into Dr. M's office and talked for an hour or so about our options and why IVF is the best bet. We should have a 50% chance of success with this method and are pretty excited. Dr. M took my blood and showed us how to do the Lupron injections in my stomach.
We went home overwhelmed, scared and excited (and feeling a little bit like a pin cushion already).
More to come on the adventure that has been this week, details on injections and how I'm feeling so far!
I had Matt come with me because he would be the one giving me the injections in my stomach. We showed up and I went back so that I could change for the ultrasound. Dr. M came in a little (okay a lot) late and asked me if I had ever had an internal ultrasound before. I told him I was used to them because of my cysts, so we got started. The good news was that the left ovary that had been so beat up in surgery earlier this year was looking good and healthy. The bad news was the the right ovary is now covered in cysts.
Dr. M decided that we needed to do whats called a uterine sounding in order to measure the depth and angle of my uterus to prepare for IVF, yeah, that's right... IVF!
Little did I know that this uterine sounding business was not going to be a walk in the park. He inserted a speculum and then the medical assistant told Matt that he would probably want to hold my hand. They cleaned my cervix with iodine and then clamped my cervix in order to insert the measuring tool. That part hurt, bad. The medical assistant told me that this pain would help prepare me for labor! OUCH! The pain didn't last too long and the cramping went away about 10 minutes after the procedure was done.
They taught Matt how to give me the Menopur injections, which are actually intramuscular and in my butt. I'm not going to lie, the needle is REALLY big and does not feel good. We went into Dr. M's office and talked for an hour or so about our options and why IVF is the best bet. We should have a 50% chance of success with this method and are pretty excited. Dr. M took my blood and showed us how to do the Lupron injections in my stomach.
We went home overwhelmed, scared and excited (and feeling a little bit like a pin cushion already).
More to come on the adventure that has been this week, details on injections and how I'm feeling so far!
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Lately
Lately I have been struggling a lot with our future. It must be related back to going to Dr. M for the first time and making a plan for what's to come next. For the past two years we have been moving one month at a time, and for once there seems to be somewhat of a plan out ahead of us. I really thought that finally having a plan would make me feel more content, but it has almost made me more anxious.
I don't know why I have such a hard time with the conception process and how it will work for Mr. D and I. For some reason I am really stuck on the whole process of "making a baby" together and it being a special, romantic and intimate thing. I am having a hard time with the fact that my future (hopefully) child will be conceived on an exam table with needles and catheters and blood tests involved. If you remember my needle phobia, you'll realize that these things are probably the farthest from "special and romantic" in my book. I guess I just always assumed that my children would be conceived the old fashioned way, and we would have a funny story about conceiving on vacation or after some really fun night out or something (maybe I watch too many romantic comedies).
I think the root of it is that this is something I never in a million years imagined going through. I never dreamed that the act of starting my family would bring so many tears and so much stress and heartache. I imagined it to be a magical journey of love, positive pregnancy tests, happy announcements, ultrasounds and new adventures. Instead it's a road full of disappointment, ovulation tests, tears, pokes and pricks, drugs and despair. My hope is that someday I can be happy when a friend or family member announces pregnancy, and that the sight of a new mother and her child doesn't bring feelings of jealousy or anger.
I'm trying hard to choose to be happy lately, and to remember the positives in my life, but some days it's a lot harder than others. Recently there seems to be more of the harder days. I wake up and go through most days feeling disappointed, and sad. I told Mr. D that I feel like I'm "in a funk" and can't quite seem to get out of it. I am stuck on the sad, and stuck on the unfair. It just doesn't make sense that this whole journey to parenthood is so incredibly easy (or accidental) for some and so downright terrible for others. This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever been to, and a constant, everyday battle.
Sorry to be so down, but it's how I've been feeling lately. As a friend experiencing infertility recently told me "Sometimes we just need to have a pity party". I totally agree.
I don't know why I have such a hard time with the conception process and how it will work for Mr. D and I. For some reason I am really stuck on the whole process of "making a baby" together and it being a special, romantic and intimate thing. I am having a hard time with the fact that my future (hopefully) child will be conceived on an exam table with needles and catheters and blood tests involved. If you remember my needle phobia, you'll realize that these things are probably the farthest from "special and romantic" in my book. I guess I just always assumed that my children would be conceived the old fashioned way, and we would have a funny story about conceiving on vacation or after some really fun night out or something (maybe I watch too many romantic comedies).
I think the root of it is that this is something I never in a million years imagined going through. I never dreamed that the act of starting my family would bring so many tears and so much stress and heartache. I imagined it to be a magical journey of love, positive pregnancy tests, happy announcements, ultrasounds and new adventures. Instead it's a road full of disappointment, ovulation tests, tears, pokes and pricks, drugs and despair. My hope is that someday I can be happy when a friend or family member announces pregnancy, and that the sight of a new mother and her child doesn't bring feelings of jealousy or anger.
I'm trying hard to choose to be happy lately, and to remember the positives in my life, but some days it's a lot harder than others. Recently there seems to be more of the harder days. I wake up and go through most days feeling disappointed, and sad. I told Mr. D that I feel like I'm "in a funk" and can't quite seem to get out of it. I am stuck on the sad, and stuck on the unfair. It just doesn't make sense that this whole journey to parenthood is so incredibly easy (or accidental) for some and so downright terrible for others. This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever been to, and a constant, everyday battle.
Sorry to be so down, but it's how I've been feeling lately. As a friend experiencing infertility recently told me "Sometimes we just need to have a pity party". I totally agree.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Infertility Consultation
We went to see Dr. M for the first time yesterday. The results were not what I expected, but we left with more direction and we both felt like, at least for now, Dr. M is the right person to be seeing.
The first thing he did was go over our medical history. For Matt this portion was short... Have you fathered any children? Do you take any medication? Do you have any medical conditions? No, No, No.
My part was a little more complicated. Dr. M requested the surgery notes from the Lap that Dr. A did in February, and also the pathology report. He combined that with the photos from surgery and was able to "score" my endometriosis on some scoring system that doctors use. I fell in the "moderate to severe" category. We asked why endometriosis causes infertility, and he explained it better than anyone has so far. He told me that the end of your fallopian tube that is unattached floats freely in your abdominal cavity. It is attracted to inflammation, so when you ovulate, your ovary becomes inflamed and the fallopian tube is attracted to it and attaches and catches the egg as it's released. My abdominal cavity is full of "powder burn" or endometrial implants, which become inflamed as well, and in a way "distract" the fallopian tube to the point where it doesn't attach to my ovary and catch the egg.
The only way to really overcome this abundance of inflammation is to use gonadotropins that are injectable and cause me to superovulate along with IUI. The superovulation will not only cause the ovary to become more inflamed than it would normally, but it will also help insure that I release an egg. Of course, there are downsides to this. The first one being that it can occasionally cause a condition where your ovary apparently becomes too enlarged to the point where it's quite dangerous. The other downside is multiples. 30% of women who become pregnant with superovulation and IUI have twins, and a small percentage become pregnant with triplets or as many as sextuplets. The other downside (there must be more, right?) is that it is VERY expensive. The drugs are $1200.00 each time, and that is after ordering them from England, where they are apparently half the price but still of good quality. The treatment all together is $2500.00.
So we have a lot to think about, and I think I will take a few more days to think and talk with Mr. D before I post much more about it here. Just wanted to write it down while it's still fresh in our minds.
The adventure continues...
The first thing he did was go over our medical history. For Matt this portion was short... Have you fathered any children? Do you take any medication? Do you have any medical conditions? No, No, No.
My part was a little more complicated. Dr. M requested the surgery notes from the Lap that Dr. A did in February, and also the pathology report. He combined that with the photos from surgery and was able to "score" my endometriosis on some scoring system that doctors use. I fell in the "moderate to severe" category. We asked why endometriosis causes infertility, and he explained it better than anyone has so far. He told me that the end of your fallopian tube that is unattached floats freely in your abdominal cavity. It is attracted to inflammation, so when you ovulate, your ovary becomes inflamed and the fallopian tube is attracted to it and attaches and catches the egg as it's released. My abdominal cavity is full of "powder burn" or endometrial implants, which become inflamed as well, and in a way "distract" the fallopian tube to the point where it doesn't attach to my ovary and catch the egg.
The only way to really overcome this abundance of inflammation is to use gonadotropins that are injectable and cause me to superovulate along with IUI. The superovulation will not only cause the ovary to become more inflamed than it would normally, but it will also help insure that I release an egg. Of course, there are downsides to this. The first one being that it can occasionally cause a condition where your ovary apparently becomes too enlarged to the point where it's quite dangerous. The other downside is multiples. 30% of women who become pregnant with superovulation and IUI have twins, and a small percentage become pregnant with triplets or as many as sextuplets. The other downside (there must be more, right?) is that it is VERY expensive. The drugs are $1200.00 each time, and that is after ordering them from England, where they are apparently half the price but still of good quality. The treatment all together is $2500.00.
So we have a lot to think about, and I think I will take a few more days to think and talk with Mr. D before I post much more about it here. Just wanted to write it down while it's still fresh in our minds.
The adventure continues...
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Saving
I work in a bank, which means I am around money, people saving money, and people managing their money all the time. This usually doesn't phase me, but lately, the topic of saving for vacations is making me crazy.
Infertility is not cheap. We are forced to skip trips and not buy things that we want because we are trying to save. We have to watch what we spend on birthdays and holidays. We have to consider canceling vacations and sitting out of fun trips and events with friends.
I know life isn't fair, but how come some people complain about trying to save for a family vacation, and I have to save for a family to take on one?
Infertility is not cheap. We are forced to skip trips and not buy things that we want because we are trying to save. We have to watch what we spend on birthdays and holidays. We have to consider canceling vacations and sitting out of fun trips and events with friends.
I know life isn't fair, but how come some people complain about trying to save for a family vacation, and I have to save for a family to take on one?
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
My Hubby on Father's Day
This may be a few days late, but I wanted to write a letter to my husband on Father's Day. I know I posted here on Mother's Day about how difficult it was for me, and I think sometimes I forget that all of this is really difficult for him too. He tries really hard to be strong for me, and to not really show his dissappointment, and I love him for that.
Mr D,
I know today is hard for you. It is difficult to see the people around you being able to have something that we can't, and I know that feeling. You are the man of the house, the provider and the protector, and I know that you would do anything to be able to give me this gift that we both want so badly. I want you to know that I know you are going to be an amazing father some day. You are so loving and kind and patient, I can't wait to see you with our children. You are playful and fun and silly and I can't wait to see the relationship you will have with them someday. I dream about the day that I get to tell you that you're going to be a father, I think about your reaction and how excited you will be, excited for us. I see couples shopping for baby things and I know you will be so involved and interested. Please know that you don't always have to be strong, you can be sad with me sometimes too. Some day we will be able to start our family together, it's been a long road so far, and the end is not yet in sight, but I am so glad to be traveling it with you. Thank you for being my rock, my comfort and my light at the end of the tunnel. You're right when you say that no matter what, we are SO lucky, because we have each other.
Love always,
Mrs D.
Mr D,
I know today is hard for you. It is difficult to see the people around you being able to have something that we can't, and I know that feeling. You are the man of the house, the provider and the protector, and I know that you would do anything to be able to give me this gift that we both want so badly. I want you to know that I know you are going to be an amazing father some day. You are so loving and kind and patient, I can't wait to see you with our children. You are playful and fun and silly and I can't wait to see the relationship you will have with them someday. I dream about the day that I get to tell you that you're going to be a father, I think about your reaction and how excited you will be, excited for us. I see couples shopping for baby things and I know you will be so involved and interested. Please know that you don't always have to be strong, you can be sad with me sometimes too. Some day we will be able to start our family together, it's been a long road so far, and the end is not yet in sight, but I am so glad to be traveling it with you. Thank you for being my rock, my comfort and my light at the end of the tunnel. You're right when you say that no matter what, we are SO lucky, because we have each other.
Love always,
Mrs D.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Conception
Mr. D. went to the new fertility Dr. yesterday, we will call them Dr. M (reproductive endocrinologist) and Dr. C (embyrologist and lab director). Dr. C. is the same one who did Mr. D's semen analysis in February, the one that came back "Subnormal". The reason he went in yesterday was because is urologist at group health said that we should do a third analysis in order to find out whether the results were more similar to the first one last June (that came back normal) or the one in February that was subnormal.
When Mr. D got there, Dr. C told him that he didn't think another analysis was necessary since he had one recently and hasn't been through any treatment since then. He doesn't want us to waste our money (it's $150.00) for something that isn't completely necessary. He told Mr. D that they would just put me on some medicine and then do IUI, and with Matt's numbers it should work just fine.
Just like that, plain as day. Fertility drugs, wash the sperm, IUI, bang... Pregnant. Mr. D said he made it seem like a no brainer, no big deal.
The thing is, up until yesterday, even through all of this crazy fertility business, it never really sunk in that I wouldn't be getting pregnant the "old fashioned way". No happy story about conceiving on vacation, or your wedding night, or after a night with a few too many cocktails. I will be conceiving with my feet in stirrups in a doctor's office. I don't know why this seems like such a big deal to me, and it's not that I'm upset, it's just a place I never imagined myself being.
In other news, I got blood drawn yesterday and didn't pass out or puke or even really get nervous at all! They tested my LH, FSH, TSH and checked me for diabetes. All tests came back normal!
Next stop... Dr. M on July 12th!
When Mr. D got there, Dr. C told him that he didn't think another analysis was necessary since he had one recently and hasn't been through any treatment since then. He doesn't want us to waste our money (it's $150.00) for something that isn't completely necessary. He told Mr. D that they would just put me on some medicine and then do IUI, and with Matt's numbers it should work just fine.
Just like that, plain as day. Fertility drugs, wash the sperm, IUI, bang... Pregnant. Mr. D said he made it seem like a no brainer, no big deal.
The thing is, up until yesterday, even through all of this crazy fertility business, it never really sunk in that I wouldn't be getting pregnant the "old fashioned way". No happy story about conceiving on vacation, or your wedding night, or after a night with a few too many cocktails. I will be conceiving with my feet in stirrups in a doctor's office. I don't know why this seems like such a big deal to me, and it's not that I'm upset, it's just a place I never imagined myself being.
In other news, I got blood drawn yesterday and didn't pass out or puke or even really get nervous at all! They tested my LH, FSH, TSH and checked me for diabetes. All tests came back normal!
Next stop... Dr. M on July 12th!
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Baby Steps
We made our first appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist today! Mr. D. goes for his third semen analysis tomorrow, and I'm going to have my FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) levels checked tomorrow. Those results, along with the information from my surgery and all of my doctors appointments and ultrasounds will come with us to the new doctor!
Mr. D. and I were talking about the upcoming appointment, and we both seem to have the same feelings about it. In a way we're nervous to finally have someone look at the total package and tell us what they think might be wrong. At the same time it's really encouraging to finally feel like we're moving towards having more of a plan. I really want someone to be able to analyze everything going on with each of us and have an opinion and be able to make us a road map. I am tired of trying on our own. It's been 2 1/2 years and even after the surgery, it's not happening without help.
Here's to a new step on our journey!
Mr. D. and I were talking about the upcoming appointment, and we both seem to have the same feelings about it. In a way we're nervous to finally have someone look at the total package and tell us what they think might be wrong. At the same time it's really encouraging to finally feel like we're moving towards having more of a plan. I really want someone to be able to analyze everything going on with each of us and have an opinion and be able to make us a road map. I am tired of trying on our own. It's been 2 1/2 years and even after the surgery, it's not happening without help.
Here's to a new step on our journey!
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
A Break from Sad
We had a really fabulous weekend! This blog is usually full of my tough times going through infertility, but in the midst of it all, we are sometimes able to escape the sadness for a few days. This past weekend was the first time in awhile that we really got away from it and just enjoyed each other.
We went to a Tacoma Rainier's game on Sunday! I had surprised Mr. D. with a package that included AWESOME seats, free food and drinks, and an opportunity to take BP on the field after the game! Mr. D. is a HUGE baseball fan, so it was a dream come true for him!
And we got a new car! It's really pretty and super fast and makes Mr. D. very happy! We have had a tough few years with lots of heartbreak, and although things on the baby front aren't looking great, we have been working hard and things are finally starting to look up! Mr. D. got a promotion in October, and I just got one too. This was our reward!
We went to a Tacoma Rainier's game on Sunday! I had surprised Mr. D. with a package that included AWESOME seats, free food and drinks, and an opportunity to take BP on the field after the game! Mr. D. is a HUGE baseball fan, so it was a dream come true for him!
My handsome hubby getting ready to hit
Me on the field after the game
What a great day for a baseball game!
And we got a new car! It's really pretty and super fast and makes Mr. D. very happy! We have had a tough few years with lots of heartbreak, and although things on the baby front aren't looking great, we have been working hard and things are finally starting to look up! Mr. D. got a promotion in October, and I just got one too. This was our reward!
It's hard dealing with infertility, so it's nice to get a break from the stress every once in awhile. We definitely needed it!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Insecurities
I have never been the most self confident person. I have never really felt fabulous about myself. This infertility business is sure making it worse though. I should start by saying that Mr. D. is fabulous about making me feel good about myself. He tells me how beautiful I am and compliments me and is always reminding me how great I am and telling me he is proud of me. But being infertile is rough!
I feel like the female body, when you really get down to evolution (which I believe in) and biology, is made for one thing... to produce and nurture offspring. When you can't do that, you feel broken. I know nothing about breast cancer, or what it's like to experience a mastectomy, but I have heard women say that losing your breasts is like losing what makes you a woman, and I wonder if not being able to get pregnant might be similar. I feel like the basic purpose that my body was made for isn't working, and if we were in the wild talking about natural selection and genes being carried forward, I would be toast!
The other insecurity comes from being afraid that my husband will realize that he could have a baby with someone else. It's the biggest thing that i cannot, at this point, provide for him. It's important for you to know that my husband reminds me CONSTANTLY that he would never leave me for someone who has no fertility issues, that he loves me unconditionally, and that everything will be okay because no matter what, we have each other, but it doesn't always stop me from fearing that I am just damaged goods.
I asked Mr. D. on a particularly "bad" day if he had kept his receipt because I was broken and he should probably return me to the store for a new model. He kindly said "I threw my receipt away because I knew I would never need it."
I love this man.
I feel like the female body, when you really get down to evolution (which I believe in) and biology, is made for one thing... to produce and nurture offspring. When you can't do that, you feel broken. I know nothing about breast cancer, or what it's like to experience a mastectomy, but I have heard women say that losing your breasts is like losing what makes you a woman, and I wonder if not being able to get pregnant might be similar. I feel like the basic purpose that my body was made for isn't working, and if we were in the wild talking about natural selection and genes being carried forward, I would be toast!
The other insecurity comes from being afraid that my husband will realize that he could have a baby with someone else. It's the biggest thing that i cannot, at this point, provide for him. It's important for you to know that my husband reminds me CONSTANTLY that he would never leave me for someone who has no fertility issues, that he loves me unconditionally, and that everything will be okay because no matter what, we have each other, but it doesn't always stop me from fearing that I am just damaged goods.
I asked Mr. D. on a particularly "bad" day if he had kept his receipt because I was broken and he should probably return me to the store for a new model. He kindly said "I threw my receipt away because I knew I would never need it."
I love this man.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Specialists
I love my doctor. She makes me feel comfortable, and like she cares about us. She has fabulous bedside manor and has always answered all of my questions without making me feel rushed... but today she gets a big fat "F". I e-mailed her last week because I am still having horrible menstrual cramps since the surgery. When I say horrible, I mean throwing up, diarrhea (sorry, I know, TMI) hurts so bad I can't walk or think or anything and I'm glued to a heating pad and have to take vicotin kind of horrible... it's awful. So I emailed her to ask her if that was to be expected, or if she wanted to see me for another ultrasound (because they can see evidence of endometriomas in an ultrasound, and she e-mails me back. "Yes, this is to be expected because you are not suppressing your ovaries, the good news is, it will stop when you get pregnant! Do you know when you're ovulating so you can have timed intercourse?"
SERIOUSLY?
SERIOUSLY?
I cannot tell you how many times we have talked with her about the fact that we have been trying for 2 1/2 years to get pregnant. I was floored. I have been feeling for awhile now like it's time to find a new doctor, who is more of a specialist in endometriosis, and I am starting to think we need to do it now. I am starting the process to have a records review done by Dr. David Redwine in Bend, OR. He charges $125.00 to review your records, make a recommendation for treatment, and then if you have your surgery done by him, he takes that off the cost of your surgery.
Hopefully, he doesn't send me an email in a year and ask me if I am tracking my ovulation!
SERIOUSLY?
SERIOUSLY?
I cannot tell you how many times we have talked with her about the fact that we have been trying for 2 1/2 years to get pregnant. I was floored. I have been feeling for awhile now like it's time to find a new doctor, who is more of a specialist in endometriosis, and I am starting to think we need to do it now. I am starting the process to have a records review done by Dr. David Redwine in Bend, OR. He charges $125.00 to review your records, make a recommendation for treatment, and then if you have your surgery done by him, he takes that off the cost of your surgery.
Hopefully, he doesn't send me an email in a year and ask me if I am tracking my ovulation!
Monday, May 21, 2012
Infertility and Staying Positive
I have been doing a lot of searching online lately for people to connect to during this crappy time. I have a few friends and family members going through similar issues with infertility, but it always helps to have more people to connect to. I have searched pinterest and blogspot for women keeping blogs during infertility, hoping that maybe I can find someone in a similar position. The problem is, all of these darn women going through this are so POSITIVE! So I'd like to apologize to anyone who might happen upon this blog looking for infertility inspiration. Disclosure: I am not in that "I'm sure it will happen eventually, when the time is right, everything happens for a reason, everything is sunshine and roses, we are enjoying our child free time, at least i still get to stay up late and do what i want" stage. I am in the "THIS SUCKS" stage, and I can be your best friend if you're just looking for someone to be angry at mother nature with you!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
The Green Eyed Monster
Infertility is a crazy thing. Obviously. It causes this range of crazy emotions, but the one that stands out the most to me is jealousy. I feel like the jealousy I feel lately is really the "gateway drug" to all of the other awful emotions. I get sad because I'm jealous. I get angry because I'm jealous. I get stressed because I'm jealous. I feel inadequate because I'm jealous.
I have a wonderful husband. He is kind and loving. He tries his best to make me smile or laugh on my bad days, and when that doesn't work he hugs me close and wipes my tears and tells me things will be okay. My husband has a good stable job that provides us with a steady paycheck. I have a great job for a company that treats me very well. We have a nice house in a safe neighborhood. We always have food in our cupboards and don't have to worry about paying our bills.
Yet I find myself jealous of people with so much less.
I'm jealous of my co worker's little sister. She works part time at a sandwich shop. She is 21 years old, unmarried and unprepared. Her baby's daddy works as a car washer. They live in a one bedroom apartment with a guy renting their couch to help pay the bills. They are on food stamps and WIC and worry about how to pay their bills. And I am insanely jealous of them. They are having a baby boy.
I'm jealous of the people I see at the grocery store with their kids in tow. I'm jealous of the people who come to the drive through at the bank with car seats in their back seats. I'm jealous of my friends and family members who have children. I'm jealous of their sticky counters and messy playrooms and loud car rides. I'm jealous of their structured weekend schedules revolving around swimming lessons and nap time. I'm just jealous.
I have a wonderful husband. He is kind and loving. He tries his best to make me smile or laugh on my bad days, and when that doesn't work he hugs me close and wipes my tears and tells me things will be okay. My husband has a good stable job that provides us with a steady paycheck. I have a great job for a company that treats me very well. We have a nice house in a safe neighborhood. We always have food in our cupboards and don't have to worry about paying our bills.
Yet I find myself jealous of people with so much less.
I'm jealous of my co worker's little sister. She works part time at a sandwich shop. She is 21 years old, unmarried and unprepared. Her baby's daddy works as a car washer. They live in a one bedroom apartment with a guy renting their couch to help pay the bills. They are on food stamps and WIC and worry about how to pay their bills. And I am insanely jealous of them. They are having a baby boy.
I'm jealous of the people I see at the grocery store with their kids in tow. I'm jealous of the people who come to the drive through at the bank with car seats in their back seats. I'm jealous of my friends and family members who have children. I'm jealous of their sticky counters and messy playrooms and loud car rides. I'm jealous of their structured weekend schedules revolving around swimming lessons and nap time. I'm just jealous.
I survived
I survived Mother's Day! It was a nice day spent with family on the beach and in the sunshine. The only part that was hard was when the checkout lady at Cabela's wished my a Happy Mother's Day. She said "If you have kids, I hope you have a great Mother's Day" and I resisted the urge to tell her how I really felt about the comment, and said "I don't have any kids, thanks."
It really goes back to something my mom said to me this morning after seeing a Facebook comment on a picture of one of my friends holding her niece that said "You should have babies!!!" The nice girl who commented has no idea that her and her husband are going through exactly what Mr D. and I are. my mom said that it's all about retraining people to think differently. To be aware that "just having kids" isn't an easy thing for everyone, and the idea that some people can have kids whenever they want and some of us face infertility is heartbreaking. It makes women feel inadequate, ashamed, heartbroken, sad and left out. Why does it happen so easily for some and is so difficult for others. when I sent a text to that same friend apologizing for our friend's comment, and letting her know that girl is pregnant (again) she said "Why can't it be someone else's turn?" Seriously... why can't it be our turn?
It really goes back to something my mom said to me this morning after seeing a Facebook comment on a picture of one of my friends holding her niece that said "You should have babies!!!" The nice girl who commented has no idea that her and her husband are going through exactly what Mr D. and I are. my mom said that it's all about retraining people to think differently. To be aware that "just having kids" isn't an easy thing for everyone, and the idea that some people can have kids whenever they want and some of us face infertility is heartbreaking. It makes women feel inadequate, ashamed, heartbroken, sad and left out. Why does it happen so easily for some and is so difficult for others. when I sent a text to that same friend apologizing for our friend's comment, and letting her know that girl is pregnant (again) she said "Why can't it be someone else's turn?" Seriously... why can't it be our turn?
Thursday, May 10, 2012
10 Weeks
We are now officially ten weeks post-surgery. Dr. A told me to wait until my second cycle after the surgery to start trying, and of course, we didn't listen. I think there was some small part of me that was hoping that, just like everyone told us, it would happen right away. I can't tell you how many people said "I have this friend who had that surgery and got pregnant immediately afterwards!" That's all lovely, and I know the stories are shared with the best of intentions... but seriously? If one more person tells me what happened to their friend/sister/roommate I am going to scream.
As you can probably tell, the first cycle after the surgery did not work. I did have a positive ovulation test, but I did not get pregnant. The strange thing about this cycle, is that there was no positive ovulation test. I tested for several days before the estimated date, during, and afterwards, and no positives. The only thing Mr D and I can think of, is that this month I should be ovulating on the left side (and if you remember, that is the side that Dr A had to "weedwack" in order to remove the cyst). Dr A had said that it could take awhile for that ovary to figure things out and get back up to speed, so my assumption is that it is still working on healing.
I am starting to feel like we need to identify some "next steps". Mr D had a physical last week, and has a phone appointment today with a urologist to talk about his "subnormal" semen analysis and what they think he needs to do next. The difficult thing is that choosing a Reproductive Endocrinologist is hanging over our heads. Not only will this Dr. be responsible for helping us get pregnant, but their work will not be covered by insurance, which means we have to be C-A-R-E-F-U-L! In case I haven't mentioned before, we are not rich :(.
The only referral I have gotten for a RE is for the same Dr, from three different people. My Dr, my sister's friend (who just got pregnant after 3 years.. YAY) and my sister's neighbor. The problem is that I am somewhat familiar with this doctor through my previous employer, and although very nice, he is somewhat of a cross between Mr. Rodgers and Mr. Bean... AHHH! He comes highly recommended, is apparently very kind, patient and ethical (all of which are important). But do I really want Dr. Rodgers-Bean down THERE?!? Ohh my goodness...
As you can probably tell, the first cycle after the surgery did not work. I did have a positive ovulation test, but I did not get pregnant. The strange thing about this cycle, is that there was no positive ovulation test. I tested for several days before the estimated date, during, and afterwards, and no positives. The only thing Mr D and I can think of, is that this month I should be ovulating on the left side (and if you remember, that is the side that Dr A had to "weedwack" in order to remove the cyst). Dr A had said that it could take awhile for that ovary to figure things out and get back up to speed, so my assumption is that it is still working on healing.
I am starting to feel like we need to identify some "next steps". Mr D had a physical last week, and has a phone appointment today with a urologist to talk about his "subnormal" semen analysis and what they think he needs to do next. The difficult thing is that choosing a Reproductive Endocrinologist is hanging over our heads. Not only will this Dr. be responsible for helping us get pregnant, but their work will not be covered by insurance, which means we have to be C-A-R-E-F-U-L! In case I haven't mentioned before, we are not rich :(.
The only referral I have gotten for a RE is for the same Dr, from three different people. My Dr, my sister's friend (who just got pregnant after 3 years.. YAY) and my sister's neighbor. The problem is that I am somewhat familiar with this doctor through my previous employer, and although very nice, he is somewhat of a cross between Mr. Rodgers and Mr. Bean... AHHH! He comes highly recommended, is apparently very kind, patient and ethical (all of which are important). But do I really want Dr. Rodgers-Bean down THERE?!? Ohh my goodness...
Mother's Day Sucks
Mother's Day Sucks... it really does. I feel terrible thinking this, because Mr. D. and I both have amazing mothers, Grandmothers, friends and family members who are moms. We love the moms in our lives, and I hate that I am making this day, which should be all about how incredible they are, about me. The problem is, it's very hard to spend a whole day dedicated to the fact that I can't get pregnant. Now I know, it is supposed to be about honoring our mothers and recognizing how wonderful they are, but in all reality, when you can't have a baby, it's a whole day of reminding you that. Along with Mother's Day comes the inevitable questions of "When are you two going to have a baby?" At this point, I'm a question or two away from responding with "Well, we've been trying for two years and are struggling with infertility, but thanks for asking!"
When I was leaving Costco today, the nice lady who checks your receipt at the door (who is almost always there, and always very friendly) says to me "Happy Mother's Day!" and what did I do? I burst into tears and pushed that damn cart as fast as I could to my car. Why would someone think that it's okay to as someone a question like that? This is going to be a long week...
When I was leaving Costco today, the nice lady who checks your receipt at the door (who is almost always there, and always very friendly) says to me "Happy Mother's Day!" and what did I do? I burst into tears and pushed that damn cart as fast as I could to my car. Why would someone think that it's okay to as someone a question like that? This is going to be a long week...
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Laparoscopic Cystectomy and Endometriosis
Seems as if my posting on this blog stopped just as soon as it started, but I was reminded today about how important it is to share my journey, even if, at this point, no one is listening.
Mr D and I arrived at the hospital at 7:30 on leap day for my surgery. We checked in, I changed into my hospital gown, and I got settled into the pre-op room. I have a TERRIBLE needle phobia, but managed to tough it out through the IV (My poor husbands hand may have been slightly broken.. oops!) The surgeon was running late, so my mom had the chance to come back and wait with us for everthing to be ready. We watched TV and I made Mr D take pictures of me... it might look like I'm grabbing my chest, but I was trying to deflate the hot air filled hospital gown!
They took me back to surgery about 11:30, the doctors were all very kind and accomodating, and really helped me feel more comfortable in the minutes before my surgery. The last thing I remember is teh Anesthsiologist asking me about where I like to go hiking, and then I was waking up in post-op!
The pain was pretty intense, and they gave me several doses of morphine (which caused my oxygen levels to drop, and I had to wear oxygen.) It took awhile for them to stabilize me to the point where I could move to recovery. I was pretty loopy and even remember telling the nurse how I don't understand how my dad can wear oxygen all the time because it hurt my nose so badly! Once I was moved over, Mr D was allowed to come back and see me. He says I looked "scary" because I was so out of it and drugged. After a few more hours in recovery, a piece of toast and a walk to the bathroom, they finally released me to go home... about 5 hours later than planned.
We got home and I spent the next few days mostly in bed. I had a really hard time sitting up on my own from a laying down position and was quite bloated the first few days. Mr D helped me a lot, I can't imagine recovering from the surgery alone. I really needed someone to help me to the bathroom, prepare food and help me move pillows and pick things up. I took the narcotics they gave me for a few days, but found that most of the pain came from my body absorbing the gas after surgery. That pain was by far the most terrible part of recovery and I was very happy to see it go away after about 4 days.
It's now been almost 5 weeks since surgery. My scars are healing nicely, and the swelling in my belly button has finally gone down enough that I can see how it looks. The scars are small and I think I can deal with having them for the rest of my life :) Turns out that my endometriosis was pretty bad. The Dr. removed several small cysts from my right fallopian tubes, a very large cyst from my left ovary and extensive implants of endometriosis. It had also caused adhesions that had attached my uterus to my abdominal wall, which she said was probably the source of the majority of my pain during menstruation.
That pretty much sums it up :) I'm happy that the surgery is over, but disappointed that the results were somewhat bad. I guess it could always have been worse, and only time will tell if this will help us get pregnant!
Friday, February 24, 2012
Putting on a smile
Today is day two after my cancelled surgery. I went back to work yesterday, thinking that getting back into my normal routine would help me feel better about the sudden change of plans. On my way to work I thought about how my day would go, how my coworkers would react, and how I would handle it. Let's be honest, I was a hot mess on Wednesday! I decided that if they asked me for details, I would tell them I didn't want to talk about it.
I got to work, and one of my coworkers gave me a hug, I had forgotten how wonderful it is to work with such nice people.
Turns out it made me feel better to talk about all of the details of the morning. I guess getting all of that off of my chest is therapeutic? Either way, my day went well. I kept my chin up, kept a smile on my face, and tried REALLY hard to think of any positives that may have come from this mess.
I got to work, and one of my coworkers gave me a hug, I had forgotten how wonderful it is to work with such nice people.
Turns out it made me feel better to talk about all of the details of the morning. I guess getting all of that off of my chest is therapeutic? Either way, my day went well. I kept my chin up, kept a smile on my face, and tried REALLY hard to think of any positives that may have come from this mess.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Disappointment
Yesterday was my scheduled Laparascopic Cystectomy to remove some ovarian cysts and hopefully take care of the endometriosis that has been causing these nasty cramps and the infertility. I have a BIG TIME needle phobia, so getting prepared for this surgery was scary.
We spent the long weekend cleaning the house, preparing meals, catching up on laundry, setting up the month's bills on automatic payments, basically getting completely prepared for the fact that I will be out of commission for about two weeks. I went to work on Tuesday, tied up loose ends, set up my email notification for being out of the office, turned in my keys and left at 6:00 feeling like I was ready.
Mr. D. and I got up at 4:00 AM, I showered with the funny soap spunge they gave me, making certain the clean in my belly button (the nurse had stressed that this part was very important) and got dressed in my favorite Victorias Secret sweats and my favorite tshirt. I took some anti anxiety medicine the Dr. had given me so I wouldn't go all fainty at the nurse when she talked about the IV. We were on our way!
We checked in, were led back to my pre-op room and the nurse asked us all the interviewey questions and made me take a pregnancy test... negative... surprise surprise! I changed into the fancy hospital gown and she hooked up this hose to it that blew hot air in to keep me warm (coolest thing EVER.... can I get that at home?) She started prepping my arm for the IV, and I was surprisingly okay with it. Then they called her name over the intercom, and she politely excused herself, seeming a little confused, and said she would be right back.
The rest is kind of a blur of emotions for me. She came back and said my doctor (who I LOVE LOVE LOVE) is very sick and would not be in for surgeries today. My husband helped me get dressed, he collected our things, and the nice nurse led us back out to the lobby. And we went home.
I was supposed to come home, sleep off the anesthesia, and then have answers to all of these infertility questions. We were supposed to be on our way to starting our family today, and instead I sit here and type this blog post, preparing to go back to work. It was probably the most emotionally difficult day of my life yesterday. I was feeling like I would never be a mom, something would always "come up" to stand in my way. All of the emotional preparation felt like a waste, and I felt like someone ripped the carpet out from under me and I fell flat on my face. I wanted to lay in bed all day and cry, and my sweet Mr. D. just rubbed my back and told me it would be okay. And it will be.
Today I am deciding to choose to be happy. I'll let you know how that goes...
We spent the long weekend cleaning the house, preparing meals, catching up on laundry, setting up the month's bills on automatic payments, basically getting completely prepared for the fact that I will be out of commission for about two weeks. I went to work on Tuesday, tied up loose ends, set up my email notification for being out of the office, turned in my keys and left at 6:00 feeling like I was ready.
Mr. D. and I got up at 4:00 AM, I showered with the funny soap spunge they gave me, making certain the clean in my belly button (the nurse had stressed that this part was very important) and got dressed in my favorite Victorias Secret sweats and my favorite tshirt. I took some anti anxiety medicine the Dr. had given me so I wouldn't go all fainty at the nurse when she talked about the IV. We were on our way!
We checked in, were led back to my pre-op room and the nurse asked us all the interviewey questions and made me take a pregnancy test... negative... surprise surprise! I changed into the fancy hospital gown and she hooked up this hose to it that blew hot air in to keep me warm (coolest thing EVER.... can I get that at home?) She started prepping my arm for the IV, and I was surprisingly okay with it. Then they called her name over the intercom, and she politely excused herself, seeming a little confused, and said she would be right back.
The rest is kind of a blur of emotions for me. She came back and said my doctor (who I LOVE LOVE LOVE) is very sick and would not be in for surgeries today. My husband helped me get dressed, he collected our things, and the nice nurse led us back out to the lobby. And we went home.
I was supposed to come home, sleep off the anesthesia, and then have answers to all of these infertility questions. We were supposed to be on our way to starting our family today, and instead I sit here and type this blog post, preparing to go back to work. It was probably the most emotionally difficult day of my life yesterday. I was feeling like I would never be a mom, something would always "come up" to stand in my way. All of the emotional preparation felt like a waste, and I felt like someone ripped the carpet out from under me and I fell flat on my face. I wanted to lay in bed all day and cry, and my sweet Mr. D. just rubbed my back and told me it would be okay. And it will be.
Today I am deciding to choose to be happy. I'll let you know how that goes...
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Getting Started
My husband, Mr. D, and I got married in October of 2009. We had a fabulous and rustic fall wedding and celebrated the beginning of our lives together with our family and friends. The whole day was a dream and I feel so lucky every day to have the opportunity to spend my forever with my best friend. We have two labrador retriever mixes, Brock and Rylee Jo, who are our first "children". Together we make up our little family of two (plus two furry babies).
In January of 2010, Mr. D and I decided to start trying to have a family. We knew that we wanted to have children and decided that there was no better time than the present. It was a huge decision and a big change to go from trying not to, to the complete opposite. We went on with life as normal, knowing that sometimes it takes a few months for pregnancy to happen. It wasn't until that summer that I began to suspect that something was wrong. I have always had very painful periods, and have never really been able to find a doctor that believed me about how bad my cramps actually were. I began to suspect that the two problems might be tied together, so as we continued to try, I began doing my own "googling" to try to figure out what could be the problem. 
After having very little luck with my family doctor, I started looking for an OB that would be a good fit for me. I visited with a few that told me random things like "The only way to stop your cramps is to get pregnant" and "Your bad reaction to birth control must mean that you're depressed, you should see a psychiatrist". I finally saw my current doctor, Dr. Monica Anselmetti, in June of 2011 and Mr. D and I instantly knew she was the right fit. I had an ultrasound that month to make sure everything looked okay and got the thumbs up that my ovaries and uterus looked fine. After a 4 month course of low hormone birth control (intended to hopefully help the suspected endometriosis) I had another ultrasound, which revealed several ovarian cysts, a possible dermoid cyst and signs of growing endometriosis. A Laparascopic cystectomy was scheduled for February 2012.
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