Specialists

I love my doctor.  She makes me feel comfortable, and like she cares about us.  She has fabulous bedside manor and has always answered all of my questions without making me feel rushed... but today she gets a big fat "F".  I e-mailed her last week because I am still having horrible menstrual cramps since the surgery. When I say horrible, I mean throwing up, diarrhea (sorry, I know, TMI) hurts so bad I can't walk or think or anything and I'm glued to a heating pad and have to take vicotin kind of horrible... it's awful.  So I emailed her to ask her if that was to be expected, or if she wanted to see me for another ultrasound (because they can see evidence of endometriomas in an ultrasound, and she e-mails me back. "Yes, this is to be expected because you are not suppressing your ovaries, the good news is, it will stop when you get pregnant! Do you know when you're ovulating so you can have timed intercourse?"

SERIOUSLY?
SERIOUSLY?

I cannot tell you how many times we have talked with her about the fact that we have been trying for 2 1/2 years to get pregnant. I was floored. I have been feeling for awhile now like it's time to find a new doctor, who is more of a specialist in endometriosis, and I am starting to think we need to do it now.  I am starting the process to have a records review done by Dr. David Redwine in Bend, OR. He charges $125.00 to review your records, make a recommendation for treatment, and then if you have your surgery done by him, he takes that off the cost of your surgery.

Hopefully, he doesn't send me an email in a year and ask me if I am tracking my ovulation!

Infertility and Staying Positive

I have been doing a lot of searching online lately for people to connect to during this crappy time.  I have a few friends and family members going through similar issues with infertility, but it always helps to have more people to connect to.  I have searched pinterest and blogspot for women keeping blogs during infertility, hoping that maybe I can find someone in a similar position.  The problem is, all of these darn women going through this are so POSITIVE!  So I'd like to apologize to anyone who might happen upon this blog looking for infertility inspiration.  Disclosure: I am not in that "I'm sure it will happen eventually, when the time is right, everything happens for a reason, everything is sunshine and roses, we are enjoying our child free time, at least i still get to stay up late and do what i want" stage.  I am in the "THIS SUCKS" stage, and I can be your best friend if you're just looking for someone to be angry at mother nature with you!

The Green Eyed Monster

Infertility is a crazy thing.  Obviously.  It causes this range of crazy emotions, but the one that stands out the most to me is jealousy.  I feel like the jealousy I feel lately is really the "gateway drug" to all of the other awful emotions.  I get sad because I'm jealous.  I get angry because I'm jealous.  I get stressed because I'm jealous.  I feel inadequate because I'm jealous. 

I have a wonderful husband.  He is kind and loving.  He tries his best to make me smile or laugh on my bad days, and when that doesn't work he hugs me close and wipes my tears and tells me things will be okay.  My husband has a good stable job that provides us with a steady paycheck.  I have a great job for a company that treats me very well.  We have a nice house in a safe neighborhood.  We always have food in our cupboards and don't have to worry about paying our bills.

Yet I find myself jealous of people with so much less.

I'm jealous of my co worker's little sister.  She works part time at a sandwich shop.  She is 21 years old, unmarried and unprepared.  Her baby's daddy works as a car washer.  They live in a one bedroom apartment with a guy renting their couch to help pay the bills.  They are on food stamps and WIC and worry about how to pay their bills.  And I am insanely jealous of them.  They are having a baby boy.

I'm jealous of the people I see at the grocery store with their kids in tow.  I'm jealous of the people who come to the drive through at the bank with car seats in their back seats.  I'm jealous of my friends and family members who have children.  I'm jealous of their sticky counters and messy playrooms and loud car rides.  I'm jealous of their structured weekend schedules revolving around swimming lessons and nap time. I'm just jealous.

I survived

I survived Mother's Day!  It was a nice day spent with family on the beach and in the sunshine.  The only part that was hard was when the checkout lady at Cabela's wished my a Happy Mother's Day. She said "If you have kids, I hope you have a great Mother's Day" and I resisted the urge to tell her how I really felt about the comment, and said "I don't have any kids, thanks."

It really goes back to something my mom said to me this morning after seeing a Facebook comment on a picture of one of my friends holding her niece that said "You should have babies!!!"  The nice girl who commented has no idea that her and her husband are going through exactly what Mr D. and I are.  my mom said that it's all about retraining people to think differently.  To be aware that "just having kids" isn't an easy thing for everyone, and the idea that some people can have kids whenever they want and some of us face infertility is heartbreaking.  It makes women feel inadequate, ashamed, heartbroken, sad and left out.  Why does it happen so easily for some and is so difficult for others.  when I sent a text to that same friend apologizing for our friend's comment, and letting her know that girl is pregnant (again) she said "Why can't it be someone else's turn?"  Seriously... why can't it be our turn?

10 Weeks

We are now officially ten weeks post-surgery.  Dr. A told me to wait until my second cycle after the surgery to start trying, and of course, we didn't listen.  I think there was some small part of me that was hoping that, just like everyone told us, it would happen right away.  I can't tell you how many people said "I have this friend who had that surgery and got pregnant immediately afterwards!"  That's all lovely, and I know the stories are shared with the best of intentions... but seriously? If one more person tells me what happened to their friend/sister/roommate I am going to scream.

As you can probably tell, the first cycle after the surgery did not work.  I did have a positive ovulation test, but I did not get pregnant.  The strange thing about this cycle, is that there was no positive ovulation test.  I tested for several days before the estimated date, during, and afterwards, and no positives. The only thing Mr D and I can think of, is that this month I should be ovulating on the left side (and if you remember, that is the side that Dr A had to "weedwack" in order to remove the cyst). Dr A had said that it could take awhile for that ovary to figure things out and get back up to speed, so my assumption is that it is still working on healing.

I am starting to feel like we need to identify some "next steps".  Mr D had a physical last week, and has a phone appointment today with a urologist to talk about his "subnormal" semen analysis and what they think he needs to do next.  The difficult thing is that choosing a Reproductive Endocrinologist is hanging over our heads.  Not only will this Dr. be responsible for helping us get pregnant, but their work will not be covered by insurance, which means we have to be C-A-R-E-F-U-L! In case I haven't mentioned before, we are not rich :(.

The only referral I have gotten for a RE is for the same Dr, from three different people.  My Dr, my sister's friend (who just got pregnant after 3 years.. YAY) and my sister's neighbor.  The problem is that I am somewhat familiar with this doctor through my previous employer, and although very nice, he is somewhat of a cross between Mr. Rodgers and Mr. Bean... AHHH! He comes highly recommended, is apparently very kind, patient and ethical (all of which are important).  But do I really want Dr. Rodgers-Bean down THERE?!? Ohh my goodness...

Mother's Day Sucks

Mother's Day Sucks... it really does.  I feel terrible thinking this, because Mr. D. and I both have amazing mothers, Grandmothers, friends and family members who are moms.  We love the moms in our lives, and I hate that I am making this day, which should be all about how incredible they are, about me.  The problem is, it's very hard to spend a whole day dedicated to the fact that I can't get pregnant.  Now I know, it is supposed to be about honoring our mothers and recognizing how wonderful they are, but in all reality, when you can't have a baby, it's a whole day of reminding you that. Along with Mother's Day comes the inevitable questions of "When are you two going to have a baby?" At this point, I'm a question or two away from responding with "Well, we've been trying for two years and are struggling with infertility, but thanks for asking!"

When I was leaving Costco today, the nice lady who checks your receipt at the door (who is almost always there, and always very friendly) says to me "Happy Mother's Day!" and what did I do? I burst into tears and pushed that damn cart as fast as I could to my car. Why would someone think that it's okay to as someone a question like that? This is going to be a long week...