Putting on a smile

Today is day two after my cancelled surgery. I went back to work yesterday, thinking that getting back into my normal routine would help me feel better about the sudden change of plans. On my way to work I thought about how my day would go, how my coworkers would react, and how I would handle it. Let's be honest, I was a hot mess on Wednesday! I decided that if they asked me for details, I would tell them I didn't want to talk about it.

I got to work, and one of my coworkers gave me a hug, I had forgotten how wonderful it is to work with such nice people.

Turns out it made me feel better to talk about all of the details of the morning. I guess getting all of that off of my chest is therapeutic? Either way, my day went well. I kept my chin up, kept a smile on my face, and tried REALLY hard to think of any positives that may have come from this mess.

Disappointment

Yesterday was my scheduled Laparascopic Cystectomy to remove some ovarian cysts and hopefully take care of the endometriosis that has been causing these nasty cramps and the infertility. I have a BIG TIME needle phobia, so getting prepared for this surgery was scary.

We spent the long weekend cleaning the house, preparing meals, catching up on laundry, setting up the month's bills on automatic payments, basically getting completely prepared for the fact that I will be out of commission for about two weeks. I went to work on Tuesday, tied up loose ends, set up my email notification for being out of the office, turned in my keys and left at 6:00 feeling like I was ready.

Mr. D. and I got up at 4:00 AM, I showered with the funny soap spunge they gave me, making certain the clean in my belly button (the nurse had stressed that this part was very important) and got dressed in my favorite Victorias Secret sweats and my favorite tshirt. I took some anti anxiety medicine the Dr. had given me so I wouldn't go all fainty at the nurse when she talked about the IV. We were on our way!

We checked in, were led back to my pre-op room and the nurse asked us all the interviewey questions and made me take a pregnancy test... negative... surprise surprise! I changed into the fancy hospital gown and she hooked up this hose to it that blew hot air in to keep me warm (coolest thing EVER.... can I get that at home?) She started prepping my arm for the IV, and I was surprisingly okay with it. Then they called her name over the intercom, and she politely excused herself, seeming a little confused, and said she would be right back.

The rest is kind of a blur of emotions for me. She came back and said my doctor (who I LOVE LOVE LOVE) is very sick and would not be in for surgeries today. My husband helped me get dressed, he collected our things, and the nice nurse led us back out to the lobby. And we went home.

I was supposed to come home, sleep off the anesthesia, and then have answers to all of these infertility questions. We were supposed to be on our way to starting our family today, and instead I sit here and type this blog post, preparing to go back to work. It was probably the most emotionally difficult day of my life yesterday. I was feeling like I would never be a mom, something would always "come up" to stand in my way. All of the emotional preparation felt like a waste, and I felt like someone ripped the carpet out from under me and I fell flat on my face. I wanted to lay in bed all day and cry, and my sweet Mr. D. just rubbed my back and told me it would be okay. And it will be.

Today I am deciding to choose to be happy. I'll let you know how that goes...

Getting Started

My husband, Mr. D, and I got married in October of 2009. We had a fabulous and rustic fall wedding and celebrated the beginning of our lives together with our family and friends. The whole day was a dream and I feel so lucky every day to have the opportunity to spend my forever with my best friend. We have two labrador retriever mixes, Brock and Rylee Jo, who are our first "children". Together we make up our little family of two (plus two furry babies).

In January of 2010, Mr. D and I decided to start trying to have a family. We knew that we wanted to have children and decided that there was no better time than the present. It was a huge decision and a big change to go from trying not to, to the complete opposite. We went on with life as normal, knowing that sometimes it takes a few months for pregnancy to happen. It wasn't until that summer that I began to suspect that something was wrong. I have always had very painful periods, and have never really been able to find a doctor that believed me about how bad my cramps actually were. I began to suspect that the two problems might be tied together, so as we continued to try, I began doing my own "googling" to try to figure out what could be the problem.


After having very little luck with my family doctor, I started looking for an OB that would be a good fit for me. I visited with a few that told me random things like "The only way to stop your cramps is to get pregnant" and "Your bad reaction to birth control must mean that you're depressed, you should see a psychiatrist". I finally saw my current doctor, Dr. Monica Anselmetti, in June of 2011 and Mr. D and I instantly knew she was the right fit. I had an ultrasound that month to make sure everything looked okay and got the thumbs up that my ovaries and uterus looked fine. After a 4 month course of low hormone birth control (intended to hopefully help the suspected endometriosis) I had another ultrasound, which revealed several ovarian cysts, a possible dermoid cyst and signs of growing endometriosis. A Laparascopic cystectomy was scheduled for February 2012.