Infertility is a crazy thing. Obviously. It causes this range of crazy emotions, but the one that stands out the most to me is jealousy. I feel like the jealousy I feel lately is really the "gateway drug" to all of the other awful emotions. I get sad because I'm jealous. I get angry because I'm jealous. I get stressed because I'm jealous. I feel inadequate because I'm jealous.
I have a wonderful husband. He is kind and loving. He tries his best to make me smile or laugh on my bad days, and when that doesn't work he hugs me close and wipes my tears and tells me things will be okay. My husband has a good stable job that provides us with a steady paycheck. I have a great job for a company that treats me very well. We have a nice house in a safe neighborhood. We always have food in our cupboards and don't have to worry about paying our bills.
Yet I find myself jealous of people with so much less.
I'm jealous of my co worker's little sister. She works part time at a sandwich shop. She is 21 years old, unmarried and unprepared. Her baby's daddy works as a car washer. They live in a one bedroom apartment with a guy renting their couch to help pay the bills. They are on food stamps and WIC and worry about how to pay their bills. And I am insanely jealous of them. They are having a baby boy.
I'm jealous of the people I see at the grocery store with their kids in tow. I'm jealous of the people who come to the drive through at the bank with car seats in their back seats. I'm jealous of my friends and family members who have children. I'm jealous of their sticky counters and messy playrooms and loud car rides. I'm jealous of their structured weekend schedules revolving around swimming lessons and nap time. I'm just jealous.
No comments:
Post a Comment