Pure Joy and Complete Heartbreak

I took some time away from this, unintentionally actually.  I honestly stopped thinking about the blog in the excitement of my pregnancy.  I spent my days daydreaming of our little miracle and we spent the evenings talking about it. It was the happiest month of my life. 

Unfortunately, when we went in for our first ultrasound the doctor didn't detect a heartbeat.  I was devastated. I remember telling Mr. D on the way there how nervous I was that something wouldn't be right.  I don't know if there was some intuition involved, or if I was just scared.  I had been ridiculously sick so far during the pregnancy. Lots of vomiting and I was exhausted all of the time.  When Dr. M turned the ultrasound probe on, and had a difficult time locating the fetus, and then finally located it, there was no movement. I knew immediately what was wrong.

I was in shock. I took the rest of the day off work and we layed in bed together crying. We convinced ourselves that our little "Polar Bear" was just a little behind, and that the follow up ultrasound a week later would show that strong little heartbeat we hoped was in there.  I read forum after forum online about women who had seen the heartbeat in their follow up ultrasounds and became sure that the same would happen for us.

The next week brought our next appointment, with the same result. Dr. M confirmed that i would miscarry. It took a few weeks for it to happen naturally.  When it finally did I was fortunate enough for it to happen on a weekend and Mr. D spent the weekend home taking care of me. When I passed the tissue I collected it for genetic testing. It was sad and surreal.

The testing showed a very rare genetic disorder called triploid syndrome.  Our little baby had an extra set of chromosomes, and would have died either prior to childbirth or shortly after had he started to grow at all.  It was good that it happened early, but heartbreaking nonetheless.

We have spent the last 4 months recovering emotionally. It has been harder than I ever imagined, and not a day goes by that I don't think about our baby, or stare longingly at my reflection in the mirror, thinking about what I would look like now had things worked out differently. I know when November 21st comes, it will be difficult and I'm not sure how I will take it.

We recently visited a new fertility clinic and doctor.  Her name is Dr. B and she is amazing.  She has high hopes for our chances, but the new clinic is very expensive.  So now we embark on a different journey, a journey of fundraising and saving and working an extra job (on my part) to save the almost 20K it will take to try again. Here's to hoping we can make it happen by January 2014!

The Test Results

The test results came back Friday afternoon, but we took the weekend together before we made it official (at least via this blog).

My favorite nurse at my doctor's office had promised me that if I called her around 4:00 PM on Friday that should would tell me the results so that I didn't have to wait until Dr. M. got around to calling me later that evening.  When my phone rang at 1:15 while I was on lunch, I was surprised.

 

It was the news we have been hoping for for three years now.  I called Mr. D. immediately, and yelled it so loud that everyone at work heard (oops).  We shared the news with immediate family and close friends over the weekend but don't plan to make it "public" quite yet.  Since none of my friends or family read this blog, I'm not too worried about the cat getting out of the bag.

 

So that's that.  The new adventure beings.  We are beyond excited, and still in shock, but loving every minute of this new chapter!

Plus or Minus

We are officially less than 24 hours away from finding out if we're going to be parents this November. Mr. D tells me I need to make sure not to stress. Are you kidding me hunny? How am I supposed to "not stress" when the last 6 months (3 years really) or heartache, tears, pain and money are all culminating in the result of a simple blood test tomorrow?

I talked to the clinic yesterday and found out that instead of waiting till Dr. M calls us, which is typically around 8:30 at night, the nurse will tell me the results when I call in the afternoon.  I am beyond excited not to have to wait until later in the evening to get our (hopefully) good news!

Let's hope I can get some sleep tonight...

Losing Patience

We are six days in now.  Six days down, three to go.  I went to the drug store today to pick up another batch of estrogen patches from the pharmacy.  I went into the pregnancy test aisle.  I looked at the tests.  I picked one out.  I put it back, and I walked away. Fast.

I called Mr. D. afterwards to tell him that I had managed to avoid buying a test.  See, we have some of those cheapo little test strip ones, but I've read online that they aren't as sensitive so I am afraid to take one of those. If I'm going to test it's going to be with one of the nicer drug store ones, and not until Thursday. 

PLEASE LET THURSDAY COME SOON!!!

It Burrrrrns

I really didn't intend to post again today (Day 4) but I have had heartburn twice today and wanted to make sure I wrote down when it happened.  For a little backstory, I think I've had heartburn once in my life.  I was on some sort of medication that caused heartburn and failed to listen to the pharmacist when he recommended I fill the prescription my doctor sent for heartburn medication.  I seriously told Mr. D. I thought I was having a heart attack.  He didn't believe me.  I told him I was dying and it hurt in my heart.  He said calm down honey, you have heart burn,  Ohh, oops.

So anyways, heartburn, and nausea.  It was bad this morning, went away and then came back about 7:00 tonight.  I had Mr. D. buy me some Tums today, so I took three of those when it got bad tonight and it went away.

Please be a pregnancy symptom...

4DP5DT- This is Craziness

First of all, didn't I swear I would never use any of those stupid abbreviations that are so present in infertility social media and message boards? For anyone who doesn't know what those crazy letters and numbers mean, it means 4 Days Past 5 Day Transfer.  That means that 4 days ago I had a 5 day embryo transferred.  So tomorrow we will be 5DP5DT.  We don't have pictures of what our little embryo looked like, but it should have been something like this...

There are two different cell masses, the part that will become the baby and the part that will become the placenta.  The larger mass in the middle will become the baby and the thinner areas around the edges the placenta.

So how do I feel 4 days in? Impatient to say the least.  I think google should be taken away from me as I can't seem to stop looking up what every little feeling I have is.  In all seriousness, the only "symptoms" I seem to have are extremely swollen and sore breasts and being really really tired.  Yesterday I left the house for just a few hours to sit on the bleachers at the local ballpark and watch my hubby play softball.  When we got home I fell asleep on the couch twice between 8:00 and 9:00.  Mr. D. made me go to bed, he says the little blastocyst needs me to rest :)

Here's to hoping I can stay patient until Friday and that this little guy keeps growing inside there!

Sticky Thoughts

I got off work about 3:00 yesterday and headed home to meet Mr. D. so that he could take me to acupuncture and then to the big appointment.  I'll have to do a post sometime on my acupuncture studio.  It's a different setup, a community acupuncture studio where the treatment is done in a room with several people receiving treatment at a time.

After my treatment, I chugged a whole quart of water (holy full bladder!) and then we headed to our favorite pet store to kill some time before the appointment.  Mr. D. wanted to get the doggies a special treat (as usual).  We headed next door to get a good luck hug from my sister, she works at the same bank that I do and her branch was right there.

By the time we got to Dr. M's office, I had to pee so badly I thought I was going to die.  Fortunately, our wait was really short.  He brings in an outside ultrasound technician for this procedure, and she was VERY nice.  She took us into the ultrasound room (which was like 90 degrees to keep the embys warm) and we did an abdominal ultrasound to see how full my bladder was, and then gave me a paper cup to empty my bladder, telling me I could fill it 1 1/2 times.  She is my new favorite.  When I was done, she had me undress on the bottom and she did another quick abdominal ultrasound and decided my bladder looked good.

At this point, Dr. M., a nurse, Dr. C. (the embryologist) and the nice ultrasound tech were all in the room.  They moved this super bright light, that I swear looked like a stage light, into position pointed straight at my lady parts and brought out my friends, the stirrups. This is the part where it got uncomfortable.  I had no idea a speculum could get that big.  Dr. M. was telling me to relax down there so he could insert it more easily.  Excuse me, you try relaxing when a strange man and three of his coworkers are inserting a giant piece of metal into your hoo-ha.

Once he had the speculum in place, the ultrasound tech put the probe on my belly to make sure my uterus was easy to access and so that she could monitor the catheter once it was inserted.  The cleaned the inside of my uterus with large q-tip things.  That part didn't hurt necessarily, but it was not comfortable.  Think about that mental image, yeah, not really pleasant. Now it was Dr. C's turn.

I should back track a little and say that when the embryos were frozen last October, there was one blastocyst and one 4-dayer (I can never remember what they're called).  The plan had been to transfer both yesterday, but only the one little guy survived.  That's okay though.  Chances for twins are lower, and the one we transferred was an "AB" grade, so really healthy.

Dr. M. inserted a catheter until the nice ultrasound lady said it was in position.  Then Dr. C. removed the inner part and went to fill it with our little frozen baby.  This whole catheter part was painless, I couldn't even feel anything happening. I did, however, still have a giant speculum in there, so to say I was comfortable would be a big fat lie.  I just did my best to hold my hubby's hand, take deep breathes and close my eyes.

When Dr. C. inserted the embryos, they waited for a few minutes and then removed everything and told me to lay on the left side for 15 minutes and then the right for the same.  After some quick instructions we were free to go!

That brings me to here, laying on the couch, with the strictest bed rest nurse (AKA Mr. D.) ever! Hoping hoping hoping that little embryo is sticking in there and holding on tight!!!

BIG DAY!

So tomorrow is the big day! I get off work at 3:00, head to acupuncture and then go see Dr. M. at 5:30 to transfer our two little frozen babies! I am crazy nervous about them not thawing.  I don't know if it's some weird irrational fear, or if it's warranted.  I think I am most afraid that after everything my body has been through, we won't even have a chance to TRY getting pregnant.

If anyone out there is reading, please think thick and sticky thoughts and send some good pregnancy vibes our way! Updates to come soon (as long as I survive the 1 qt of water I have to drink before the procedure!!)

Estrogen Hates Me

Apparently my body is angry with me. I am on day 10 of estrogen patches.  Three at a time, left on for three days and then changed.  Fortunately, the headaches are less frequent, and easier to control with pain meds. UNfortunately, every day that I switch my patches I get sick.  Nausea. Vomitting. Not fun! I don't know how these tiny patches can make me so sick. I also went to acupuncture last week, and Gianna told me that my pulse was so "off" that it sounded like it belonged to a different person.

The Lupron shots are also getting really bad.  They HURT! I even cried the other day, and I haven't cried since my first 1 1/2" IM shot in my bum. They're leaving bruises too... how does a tiny needle leave such a big bruise?

In better news, we are transferring next Wednesday! Hooray! I am scared, excited, nervous and about a million other things.  Dr M. told me on Thursday that my endometrium "could not be any more perfect". Yay for my body finally doing what it is supposed to!

This also means that I don't have to do shots anymore, and I started my Progesterone on Friday.  These suckers are LOADS of fun! NOT! This might be a little too much information, but I'm being honest here. Hello discharge! My sister in law told me I would feel like I was peeing myself, and she was not kidding. I feel like maybe I should buy stock in panty liners.

SO over this!

I realize now that my posting definitely dropped off there right before my egg retrieval.  I will do my best to "summarize" what happened and bring you up to speed on our current situation. PS... I'm not pregnant yet.

So the egg retrieval happened on Friday October 10th.  My estradiol levels skyrocketed in the days leading up to it, so I took a few injections of cabergoline, which is supposed to delay ovulation so that they eggs have more time to grow. I triggered with Lupron and diluted HCG, and went in in the morning to have my eggs retrieved!

I was nervous for the retrieval, but my Mr. D. went with me and helped me stay calm.  I got an IV and they prepped me for the procedure.  All went smoothly, except that I had 23 eggs, and the process took a long time so I ended up needing a lot of Demerol to keep me sedated.  I ended up having a allergic reaction to it, and spent about 3 hours throwing up in the doctors office. When I finally got to go home, Mr. D. tucked me into bed and then headed back to the office to give his sample.

We had a call from Dr. C, the embryologist a few hours later that Matt's sperm were not fertilizing all of the eggs, and he would need to return the following day to give another sample.  We took it easy for the rest of the weekend, I was mildly sore and tender and pretty tired from being so sick.  By Sunday we knew something was wrong.  I was having severe abdominal pains, and bloating.  I couldn't sit, lay down or really move at all without pain and my belly was starting to look like a pregnant woman.  I took Monday off of work and went to see Dr. M.  I was diagnosed with Ovarian Hyper stimulation Syndrome, and the decision was made to freeze the two embryos that were still growing so that I could recover.  I spent that whole week in intense pain, I couldn't sleep and had to take narcotics to control the cramping.  I was so swollen that even Mr. D's sweats didn't fit over my belly.

The severe bloating lasted a week, I returned to work the following Monday, but over the course of the next three months I experienced fluid collecting in my lungs, tests for blood clots, cancer and other things to try to figure out why the fluid in my abdominal cavity would not go away.  The delay of the transfer went from one month to two, three, and now four.  It was eventually decided that I just had severe OHSS and it was extremely slow to resolve.

We finally got to approval to move forward about a month ago, and I was to continue the birth control they put me on after the OHSS, and then on the 12th day of pills begin Lupron injections in my stomach. I continued with the injections through my period, which brings us up to date! I went in to see Dr M on Wednesday and all things were a go!

I applied three Vivelle-Dot estrogen patches on Wednesday night and by Thursday at noon I had a killer headache.  That continued despite pain killers all day on Thursday and Friday.  I went to the acupuncturist last night and it seemed to help but the headaches are back today.  Gianna, my acupuncturist says that lots of water will help, and that when I start progesterone suppositories next week that should help balance it out. My whole body is thrown out of whack by all of this estrogen, headache, body aches, vomiting, upset stomach. I can't wait for this part to be over! On top of that, the Lupron injections are starting to be really painful and today is the day I have to switch to three new estrogen patches.

Overall, the last 4 months has been a crazy ride of pain, emotions and frustration.  I am excited for the light at the end of the tunnel.  In a few short weeks, our two embryo babies will be transferred and this crazy IVF ride will be over for now.  We are crossing fingers, toes and everything else that this story has a happy ending. Only time will tell!