Lately

Lately I have been struggling a lot with our future.  It must be related back to going to Dr. M for the first time and making a plan for what's to come next.  For the past two years we have been moving one month at a time, and for once there seems to be somewhat of a plan out ahead of us.  I really thought that finally having a plan would make me feel more content, but it has almost made me more anxious.

I don't know why I have such a hard time with the conception process and how it will work for Mr. D and I.  For some reason I am really stuck on the whole process of "making a baby" together and it being a special, romantic and intimate thing.  I am having a hard time with the fact that my future (hopefully) child will be conceived on an exam table with needles and catheters and blood tests involved.  If you remember my needle phobia, you'll realize that these things are probably the farthest from "special and romantic" in my book.  I guess I just always assumed that my children would be conceived the old fashioned way, and we would have a funny story about conceiving on vacation or after some really fun night out or something (maybe I watch too many romantic comedies).

I think the root of it is that this is something I never in a million years imagined going through.  I never dreamed that the act of starting my family would bring so many tears and so much stress and heartache.  I imagined it to be a magical journey of love, positive pregnancy tests, happy announcements, ultrasounds and new adventures.  Instead it's a road full of disappointment, ovulation tests, tears, pokes and pricks, drugs and despair.  My hope is that someday I can be happy when a friend or family member announces pregnancy, and that the sight of a new mother and her child doesn't bring feelings of jealousy or anger.

I'm trying hard to choose to be happy lately, and to remember the positives in my life, but some days it's a lot harder than others.  Recently there seems to be more of the harder days.  I wake up and go through most days feeling disappointed, and sad.  I told Mr. D that I feel like I'm "in a funk" and can't quite seem to get out of it.  I am stuck on the sad, and stuck on the unfair.  It just doesn't make sense that this whole journey to parenthood is so incredibly easy (or accidental) for some and so downright terrible for others.  This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever been to, and a constant, everyday battle.

Sorry to be so down, but it's how I've been feeling lately.  As a friend experiencing infertility recently told me "Sometimes we just need to have a pity party". I totally agree.