Disappointment

Yesterday was my scheduled Laparascopic Cystectomy to remove some ovarian cysts and hopefully take care of the endometriosis that has been causing these nasty cramps and the infertility. I have a BIG TIME needle phobia, so getting prepared for this surgery was scary.

We spent the long weekend cleaning the house, preparing meals, catching up on laundry, setting up the month's bills on automatic payments, basically getting completely prepared for the fact that I will be out of commission for about two weeks. I went to work on Tuesday, tied up loose ends, set up my email notification for being out of the office, turned in my keys and left at 6:00 feeling like I was ready.

Mr. D. and I got up at 4:00 AM, I showered with the funny soap spunge they gave me, making certain the clean in my belly button (the nurse had stressed that this part was very important) and got dressed in my favorite Victorias Secret sweats and my favorite tshirt. I took some anti anxiety medicine the Dr. had given me so I wouldn't go all fainty at the nurse when she talked about the IV. We were on our way!

We checked in, were led back to my pre-op room and the nurse asked us all the interviewey questions and made me take a pregnancy test... negative... surprise surprise! I changed into the fancy hospital gown and she hooked up this hose to it that blew hot air in to keep me warm (coolest thing EVER.... can I get that at home?) She started prepping my arm for the IV, and I was surprisingly okay with it. Then they called her name over the intercom, and she politely excused herself, seeming a little confused, and said she would be right back.

The rest is kind of a blur of emotions for me. She came back and said my doctor (who I LOVE LOVE LOVE) is very sick and would not be in for surgeries today. My husband helped me get dressed, he collected our things, and the nice nurse led us back out to the lobby. And we went home.

I was supposed to come home, sleep off the anesthesia, and then have answers to all of these infertility questions. We were supposed to be on our way to starting our family today, and instead I sit here and type this blog post, preparing to go back to work. It was probably the most emotionally difficult day of my life yesterday. I was feeling like I would never be a mom, something would always "come up" to stand in my way. All of the emotional preparation felt like a waste, and I felt like someone ripped the carpet out from under me and I fell flat on my face. I wanted to lay in bed all day and cry, and my sweet Mr. D. just rubbed my back and told me it would be okay. And it will be.

Today I am deciding to choose to be happy. I'll let you know how that goes...